Slow but good progress

I am over the moon lately because I feel like The Chub's oral defensiveness is starting to improve quite a bit. I feel like she is finally to a point where she isn't as scared or apprehensive about new things coming near her mouth, which makes life easier on all of us. Although texture continues to be an issue when she eats, it is becoming less of an issue for her to merely HAVE texture in her mouth. Before she would not let anything texturized into her mouth no matter what it was. She is now starting to accept:

Teething biscuits (sometimes will even hold them in her hand and chew on them without my assistance)
Washcloths (chewing and sucking on)
Texturized Spoons & other texturized utensils
Cheetos & Veggie Straws (Licking and taking small bites)
Lollipops

When I bring something close to her mouth, she tends to be open to the idea of exploring it. Her exploration isn't without some sort of trepidation, but I wouldn't expect her to jump in feet first with anything. Everything we've accomplished has taken lots of exposure and repeated tries to get to where we are.

I think she's getting bored of her bottle, but I haven't successfully transitioned her to any sort of cup. Liquids are not her favorite thing, so I think it will just take a lot of persistence and more exposure to get her comfortable to drink out of a new object and do it on her own. We're in the awkward place where she's kind of done with the bottle, but there isn't another alternative quite yet so we just have to push through.

On another note, although self feeding sounds freeing in theory, I'm terrified about it. I don't know that I trust her to eat or drink enough on her own, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there!

She's doing much better on her hands and knees now. She rocks on her own and seems to enjoy it for a period of time. She's doing well with weight shifting from arm to arm. We still need to use a thin cushion under her hands, because she's not quite ready to put her hands flat on the ground, but in a week or so, I'll pull the cushion and go from there. We started with two cushions, so we're getting there. At first she wasn't able to get back up on her knees from the one cushion, but can do that now, so I think she just needs time to build the muscles more. She's also improving quite a bit pulling herself up from sit to stand.

And since I haven't posted a picture of her in awhile, I figured one was in order:

13 Months 2 Days

No, this is not the age my daughter is right now (she's 13 months and 17 days to be exact). It is the age that I was told to look out for. That my daughter's blue eyes could possibly turn brown over night on that exact day. Yes, I did say overnight.

Who would say such a thing you ask? Oh just some random lady working at the American Girl store. I'm sure she has her doctorate and is an expert on baby eye color. My mom and I popped in there about a month ago just for fun. I loved the books when I was a little girl and they have expanded their collections so much I thought it would be fun to browse and see what was available and dream about when The Chubs is old enough to start playing with them. We were in the baby doll section looking for a doll that had brown hair and blue eyes. Not because we wanted to get it for Lexi, she's not old enough to truly appreciate a doll that expensive, but just for fun. The sales associate in that particular area asked if she could help with something and my mom, being the oversharer that she is (love you mom! :)) mentioned that we were looking to see if they had any babies with brown hair and blue eyes. The saleswoman said they didn't and wanted to know why we were particular about it. I just mentioned that my daughter had that combination and it would be fun to find a doll with the same features. Then our conversation went a little like this:

Saleswoman: How old is your daughter?

Me: She just turned 1 year

Saleswoman: Well, you know her eyes can still change.

Me: Really? I thought most eye colors were set at around 8 months and green eyes are the only color that change after that.

Saleswoman: No. That was what I was told too, but at exactly 13 months and 2 days both of my children's eyes changed from blue to brown.

Me: Wow? Really? You mean overnight? Or was it gradual?

Saleswoman: It was overnight. They went to bed with blue eyes and woke up with brown! So just watch out.

Me: Um, ok? That is so weird that they changed over night. You would think it would be a little more gradual.

Saleswoman: Yes, it was weird.

Awkward silence

Saleswoman: So, just watch out for that day!

Me: Um, well thanks for your help.

So thank goodness we made it past the 13 month, 2 day mark. Looks like she's keeping her blue eyes for good.

New Year, Fresh Start

I can't tell you how happy I was to say goodbye to 2010. To most people that would sound really terrible because it was the first year of my baby's life, but to those of you who regularly read my blog, you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm just so ready for a fresh start, and things are looking really promising.

I haven't posted much lately but for the last few months The Chubs has been doing so well with her eating. She's been eating much more each day than she needs to which is a huge victory in itself, but what is even more exciting is that we are down to 4 bottles a day and 3 solid meals. I really never thought I'd see the day (or at least wouldn't see it until she was 5... ok maybe 2). My sweet daughter is now sleeping 7pm-7am, with a bottle every 4 hours during the day, and solid meals in between each bottle. I can't even tell you how much this has transformed my life.

Flash back to August I was feeding her every 3 hours round the clock like a newborn. She was about 9 months old and was still not accepting solids. I had to wake her through the entire night to feed her or she wouldn't get enough calories. Even with all of these feedings she still wasn't eating enough. She averaged about 17 oz a day. It was HORRIFIC. I was so depressed, cried everyday, was sleep deprived and felt hopeless, especially when she puked up everything I just fed her on a regular basis. Thinking back to that time, I really don't know how I survived. It was so hard to know she was not feeling well and not knowing what the problem was. Her reflux medication didn't seem to be doing anything and I was still pumping and supplementing with soy formula because I knew she was intolerant to dairy.

What made the huge turn around? Well, I finally realized that for whatever reason, my breast milk and the soy formula were not gentle enough on her system. Everyone thinks that breast milk is the perfect food, and really it is. But there were things I was consuming that were transferring to my milk that were taking a toll on her little system. And instead of doing weeks of trialing foods and seeing what it was she was sensitive too while she continued to lose weight, I made the hard decision to stop pumping and give her a completely hypoallergenic formula that you can only purchase directly through the company or through a pharmacy with Doctor's permission, called Elecare. Within 3 weeks, I had a new baby. And even though these measly 14 oz cans cost almost $50 a piece (and last only a few days), it was completely worth it (and thank God for craigslist).

We still struggled to get her intake up with her formula and solids but as the months went on and the healing process continued she started to gain weight, and take more interest in eating. She actually started to seem like she had an appetite. It's been a slow process getting her over her oral aversion, but slowly her defensiveness is starting to dissipate. She now allows us to brush her teeth with a wash cloth, dispense medicine via dropper, use a vibrating teether among many other things I never thought I'd see her do.

I realize how pathetic these achievements sound. Any normal baby would have absolutely no problem with these things and would be chewing and mouthing anything in sight, but I can't help but thank God over and over again that our little orally defensive sensory refluxer is now eating like a champ and allowing us to put more and more types of things in her mouth. We're still having major issues with texture and gagging but we're making progress.

I know that things will only continue to improve. I can see that as she feels better and is finally getting the nutrition she needs that she is starting to explore the world much more. She was completely shut off from everything for the first 9 months of her life. She felt so horrible that she wouldn't explore anything. She wouldn't even touch toys. I always felt bad doing anything around the house because all she would do is sit there. So now when I see her playing with toys, rocking back and forth on her hands and knees and wanting to learn about everything around her, it makes me smile. She had a very late start so we are suffering a lot of delays because of it, but she has learned so much in such a small time frame and even if it doesn't mean she walks until she's 2 or 3, I can rest assured knowing she feels better and is getting the calories she needs.

Yes, 2011 is going to be our year. I can feel it!

"Mourning" Nap

Ok so it's becoming more and more evident that The Chubs is about ready to drop her morning nap. Very seldom does she sleep for it any more. She often just rolls around and babbles. I think she does get some rest that way and it takes the edge off of her AM crankiness but it's about time to drop it, I fear.

I'm already mourning the loss of that time in the morning to myself. Not that it was ever really that peaceful hearing her talk up a storm on the monitor, but it at least gave me the chance to get a few things done if I needed to, and have breakfast etc.

On the other hand it will give me more freedom in my schedule. Once she completely drops it, I can start doing some things that I've wanted to do for a long time. There's a MOPS group at our church that has always been right smack dab in the middle of her morning nap time. Once her nap is gone, that will become a non-issue. It will also give our family more time to do things on the weekends. If we decide we want to go to the zoo, or the aquarium, we will have a nice chunk in the morning to do so. If we fly somewhere, we can schedule our flights in the morning so we get to our destination in time for her to take her afternoon nap. In the past flight planning has always been tricky and usually we end up with an overtired, fussy child by the end of the day. So really, there are pros and cons to this. And I'm hopeful that now that she will be down to one nap, it will be a nice and long one. But I'm not holding my breath!

The number 2

Ever since Lexi's first birthday, I have been flooded with inquiries as to when we'll have our second. I realize this is a common question (at least I assume it is) and that they are all well-meaning inquiries. But can anyone really predict something like that? (Oh, wait I guess there ARE people who can. They are not people I wish to have these conversations with.) However, with these questions I can't help but still feel that sting. The sting that came with every "When are you guys going to start having kids?" that we got during our stint of infertility. Not everyone knew what we were going through at the time so the comments were innocent, purely conversational (most of the time) or to satisfy the curiosity of wide eyed new parents that wanted us to join their little "club".

This time around, it is easier. I have the child I had always hoped for and I feel so grateful to finally be called "mom". There are so many wonderful people in this world that would make amazing parents that are on a very rocky road to get there and not for a second do I take for granted that God blessed me with this miracle. I have even come to terms with the idea of having just one child, knowing that if that is the case, it is enough. Lexi IS enough. She is a wonderful, perfect creation that I am beyond blessed to have as my daughter. I can picture us in the future with just her, enjoying life and getting to give her our full attention. And frankly right now, I think she may be all I can handle for the time being. Her extra needs keep me busy and I like knowing that I can spend all of my time working with her and helping her reach her full potential through therapy.

Now let me clarify. I desperately want another child. Maybe not now, but definitely in the future. And does it scare me to death that that may never happen? Of course! But what scares me more is the emotional side of it. As I stated before, I know we could be a very happy family, just the 3 of us. There is no doubt in my mind. But when the time rolls around for us to try to make things happen, I just don't want to deal with all the emotional garbage attached to it. I don't miss the days of crying over my period, or over another baby announcement. I don't miss them AT ALL. And it has been so refreshing feeling a contentedness in that part of my life for the time being. But I feel it creeping back into my life slowly and stealthily. It's one of those things where I didn't really know it was there, but as time goes on and Lexi gets older, it's making it's way back into my soul.

And to explain this just a bit further, there has been hardly any use of any sort of BC for us since Lexi was about 2 months old. I refuse to count any of this (ahem .. 10.5 months) because it might launch me into panic mode. It's not a LONG time since we aren't "trying" right? And really, it's not a long time if you compare it to our original stint of infertility OR to many other of my dear friends who have gone years and years without achieving their FIRST pregnancy. So I need to put on my big girl panties and buck up. I think there will always be that scar though. The one that you have on your heart from the first experience that led you to believe that it was hopeless. Granted, there was a happy ending and we have The Chub Muffin to show for it so the scar shouldn't be that deep, right? Maybe it shouldn't, but it is.

And that folks, is why the number 2 is a touchy subject for me right now.

GI Follow Up

Today we had our GI follow up. I was in glum spirits on our way there because for the last week, The Chubs has refused solids fairly consistently. She has also been puking and gagging more, and just overall seems uncomfortable. I was expecting bad news, and a talk from the GI saying how her weight gain was less than ideal and blah blah blah. I feel the need to restate that I love her GI, he is amazing, but it is what it is. If she doesn't gain well, we have to have "the talk". You know the one that goes like this:

GI: Well her gain is less than we had hoped for
Me: I know, it's never enough
GI: We really need her to be on the growth chart
Me: Yes, I know that's what you want.
GI: She needs to eat more
Me: Yep, totally know this already. Doing the best I can.
GI: Try feeding her more
Me: ... I can't even respond to that. I may end up hurling you across the room.
GI: See you in a month. She better be on the charts by then or ELSE!!!
(dun, dun, duuuuuun)

Fortunately our conversation was more like this:

GI: She's doing great! Last time she was 3 notches from the curve, now she's only 1.
Me: Awesome!
GI: She's also on the growth chart for height now at the 10th percentile
Me: Sweet Johosaphat!
GI: Keep doing what you're doing and we'll see you back in 3 months.
Me: (Cartwheeling across the office with a couple of handsprings in the mix)

So here are her current states at 12.5 months:
- 15 lb. 12.5 oz
- 28" long
- woot woot!

Oh and her head circumference is something like the 15th percentile. Hot dang that's a big head. But I suppose she needs all that room for her smart brain.

Fun Times

I admit that I am guilty of often posting the negatives regarding The Chubs' refusal of food, or her development delays etc. Sometimes they can really get me down or overwhelm me and writing things out is often therapeutic for me. But I also realize that just as therapeutic as it is for me to write down my fears/worries/stresses, it is just as, if not more, beneficial for me to focus on all the great things that she is doing instead of dwelling on the progress she still needs to make.

Regardless of the feeding struggle and concerns about her gross motor skills (or what have you), this is an extremely fun time. The Chubs has become so interactive and is starting to communicate so much more. It's fun to see things "click" in her head as she figures out this big world. The most fun/exciting developments of late are these:

Without demonstrating it for her, she will do the following if we say these words:

• Clap
• Wave
• Blow a Kiss (Instead of putting her hand over her own mouth she puts it over mine and lifts it off. It's adorable)
• Where's my nose? (She'll grab the nose of whoever says this)
• Where's Daddy (or Mommy) in a picture (Will point or put her hand on our faces)
• Where's the ball? (She will grab the ball or stare at it)
• High Five
• Where's Baby? (There's a doll in her room that my mom made that whenever I say this she'll look at it and want to touch the doll's face)
  

She will also sign "milk" when I say "Do you want your baba (bottle)?"
She's started to try to sign "more", although it looks more like a clap since it's a similar motion. Today I tried showing her the sign for "Book" and "I love you" and she was trying really hard to do it.

She has started to seemingly intentionally call me mama. This mostly happens when I pick her up. She will look at me and go "mama". It's so cute.

So although she is still not doing several things, I'm choosing to focus on all the things that she is doing. It's fun to see her grow up and turn into a tiny little person. I'm so excited for this new year and all it has to offer.