When I was single at my church in college, it was a smaller church filled with younger married couples. I felt left out of the group because I was not yet married. Once I got married, we were among the only ones without kids. Little did I know it would be years before we would be in that club. Many of you know our struggles with infertility that followed. I never fit in with the couples that would plan when they would conceive by the month they wanted to deliver in. Or all peed on a stick together and celebrated their planned pregnancies. I couldn't relate to these people, and still can't because I don't know what it's like to be able to have that kind of predictability in life.
Once we got pregnant, I couldn't have those types of conversations with woman who were pregnant with me. I couldn't share the stories of how I missed one birth control pill and "oops!" it just happened. I was a little embarrassed to talk about our IUI experience because really, how many people even know what that is, or have to take those measures in their 20's. And once you get into that conversation you open up a whole can of worms worth of questions.
Once I became a mom the same thing happened. I would hear people complaining about motherhood, or griping in general and not that I didn't have my own personal frustrations, trust me, but sometimes I would really want to give them a good old fashion reality check.
Then, all the medical stuff with Lexi happened and I'd get comments about how "oh, yeah well she'll eat when she's hungry" and other babbling word vomit that just fills the void when awkward silence is the alternative. Or other comments like "You are so lucky you have an immobile child! My child is into EVERYTHING! Enjoy it!" I don't really need to go into all the reasons these comments are irritating since if you've read my blog you already now since I've covered it.
But I've come to the point where I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere. There are women who are dying to have their second child at any given point, even from the moment their first leaves the womb. I am not one of those women, especially after the first year I have just gone through. However, after knowing my fertility history I would be thrilled if I was pregnant tomorrow. Does that make sense? Of course not! It is a complete contradiction. And that is why I don't know where I fit in.
Their are women who are made to be mothers and look completely natural at it. Their child has no issues, they nurse like pros, their children have no developmental delays and they get pregnant at the drop of the hat. I do not fall under any of those categories, therefore I feel like I can not relate to them, and honestly I envy what they have and am somewhat intimidated by them. There has always been some group that I want to be a part of but can't. And currently this is the club I feel like I cannot join.
So I suppose I have a choice. And I suppose I have always had this choice. Have these "clubs" ever excluded me? No. I have chosen to exclude myself. I can choose to continue to shy away out of my own insecurities or choose to jump in and overcome them. The question is... do I have it in me? We shall see.